i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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