my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
