I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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