You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
