Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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