I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
