I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Farmville is her only friend.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
