Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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