We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
