I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
