mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
