So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
