Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
