i think i have herpe
just one?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
