Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Couch. On fire.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
