I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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