My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
