I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
