Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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