remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
