I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
