If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
