I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
