oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize