a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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