i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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