Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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