she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
