He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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