The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
