pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize