put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
