I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
