hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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