Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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