I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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