Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My penis needs a shock collar
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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