My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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