It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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