I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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