Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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