I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
