I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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