I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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