Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
