it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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