My boss' voice literally gives me gas
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
