I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dicks are not precious.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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