I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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