Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
