I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
