the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
