TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
