Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
