Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
