i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
