Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize