I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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